Leaving My company YouGreen
- Linda Chen
- Nov 6, 2019
- 9 min read
Updated: Nov 22, 2019
1. Cheated
"Don't you feel like being cheated on?" My therapist asked me.
"Cheated? I never thought of it this way."
I just told my therapist why I wanted to leave the company and didn't know how to tell my boss. I told her, I think I miscalculated the potential growth rate of this company. One of the reasons why I miscalculated was because I previously had biased information about the industry.
Back then, it was really hard for me to collect industry information because I had language barrier and the recycling industry had very incomplete public information. Therefore, all my knowledge about our industry was through asking my boss. My boss portrayed our company very positively, almost as if we were the holy grill that everyone else wanted to have.
However, he didn't tell me that actually many other players in the industry didn't like us, or even hate us. This pose serious challenges to our growth model because our growth model is to franchisee, turning other players in the industry to become part of us.
"Well, he knew that you are staying in Brazil just for his company and he didn't give you a complete information to assess your decision. Don't you feel angry?" My therapist continued to ask.
"hum, not really. When I learned about this, I only took it as it is, like: wow, now I received a new piece of information and I need to change my previous assessment." I also explained that I didn't think my boss did that purposely to trick me. I believed it was because he was so used to framing our company positively that he didn't even realize he was giving biased information.
I paused for a while. Then I continued to say:"I felt like I have been always like this. I am often very calm and motionless when I am supposed to have strong emotions. I felt like those emotions only comes to me bit by bit afterwards."
My therapist looked at me and said:"humm, interesting."
2. Telling Roger
"Do you have time to talk today?" I asked Roger. And this was the first thing that I said as I walked into the office on Monday morning.
He looked at his calender and gave me a look of: no... it is difficult today.
I insisted:"but I really need to talk to you."
Roger thought for a second and said:"It will be lunch then"
However, on this morning, a morning that he doesn't have time, I witnessed 80% of the people in the office just walked up to him and talked. And many of them weren't even quick talks but he got no problems. Sometimes I really thought if I was too polite for the Brazilian culture.
Finally, it is lunch time. I walked to Roger's desk, waited and he didn't look up. I finally asked:"are you still working? Can I speak now?"
Roger's replied:"yea, you can speak" without his eyes leaving his screen.
"I plan to finish off this week. So this week will be the last week coming to the office."
He finally took his eyes off his screen and looked at me. He seemed like didn't know how to rely. He said:"oh yea, about this, this fast huh?"
I have already told Roger two or three weeks ago that I wanted to leave Brazil. However, at that time, I planned to finish off November. Today is Monday, the last week of October. I made the decision of leaving after this week last night.
I didn't hide anything from Roger. I told him that I didn't think my job was his focus at the moment. In October, it took me 2 weeks to schedule 1 meeting with him and I believed the content that I wanted to discuss in the meeting was very important for the company and for to continue my job.
That meeting, he started more than 1 hour late and therefore, we couldn't finish. He liked the meeting and wanted to hear the second half, however, I asked him three times, on Monday, the middle of the week and during weekend, that when he would have time for the second half, and I received no reply at all.
I asked him, "how much difference will I make if I stay one more month? like, maybe scheduling one more meeting with you? finishing the "second half" of that meeting?"
He answered with understanding and awkwardness. He said:"but that last meeting was really good. I really want to have something like that again." Then he started to explain to me why he was so occupied, financial stress, the problem with mosquito in the office which might caused us to stop our business and etc.
He was speaking in an unorganized manner. He asked if I could come and have a meeting with everyone next week but he couldn't say exactly why and what he wanted me to talk about. He said he knew I had lots of ideas and don't want them to be wasted and etc. He immediately booked his Friday afternoon for me. I thought I saw his eyes turn red as he was speaking. He was looking up instead of looking at me.
I replied:"Let's talk about it Friday."
3. About making the world a better place
"Linda, I read your newest blog post (That blog post was only in Chinese). I am really concerned about your well being. How are you?" My friend from uni asked on the other side of the phone.
"Why? I thought my tone was quite neutral for that post. Where did I make you worry?
"Well, your description about the salary in Brazil, the infrastructure of Brazil and the regular life in Brazil. You sure about staying there??"
That Friday meeting happened. After I presented everything I had for the company, Roger and I were chatting. I was talking about how life in Brazil was hard for me especially with such salary. Roger said:"Linda, you know, I have met many people, who quit social enterprises and told me that they would come back after they have taken care of their financials. However, they never came back and I don't blame them."
I replied:"well, firstly it depends on how you measure the concept of "making a contribution to the world", joining a social enterprise is not the only way. Secondly, it is true that only a very small amount of people will come back. I also questioned myself on this.
However, let me give you an example. My mum, when she graduated from university, many of her classmates were taking graduation photos because they believed that would be their only graduation. However, my mum never believed that and knew she would continue to pursue her education.
Many people told my mum that once you leave school, it will be hard to come back because you have the burden of life."
Roger nodded in agreement.
"However, my mom worked for 2 years, had me and went back to school and came back with a PhD degree. If you want it, you just do it."
Roger laughed and said I had a really good benchmark. He also asked to take a look at my mum's photo.
On my way back home, I was texting my mum about this. I haven't got to her part yet, I just finished typing that Roger doubted I would come back to the social enterprise field. Mum replied immediately and said: I know you will for sure. I believe you.
I often think, it is mum's faith in me that has supported me to walk this far and to continue.
4. Interviews
My interviewer asked me:"How about you tell me about your working experiences in India and Brazil. What's the thing that you liked the most and the things that you like the least.?"
I answered: "The two jobs were very different.
The thing that I liked the most about this job was that I had lots of autonomy though sometimes I think I had too much. I liked the fact that I could do anything as long as I know they were necessary and good for the company. My boss never felt offended just because I didn't get his approval first.
However, the thing that I hated the most was I never received the kind of feedback that I wanted. Because they are lack of business expertises, everything I do here I am the best. No one can point out my flaws and if I improve, it is I found out my own flaws and I improved myself.
It was also hard to even have a meeting with my boss and when we have meetings, everything I present, he liked them. There was one time, I realized a big mistake in my graph after I presented my presentation to him but he didn't even realize that. The lack of feedback made me feel like I am growing slow.
My boss in India was completely different from my current boss. After I made a presentation, he would ask me to go back to the first slide, and pointed out every single flaw that I had. That's the thing I liked the most. He taught me so much and I learned so much in those two months. He was the best boss I ever had.
I had no complains about my boss in India. Maybe the only thing that could be better was I hoped my teammates at that time could have invested more in the project."
After I said all these, I remembered all the networking calls I have been making recently. I always asked them one question during the call and it was:"What do you like the most about your company?" Different people, different company but the answer was always:"the people. I really like the people here. You can learn a lot from them."
It really made me think, maybe who you work with, in a long run, is much more important than the industry or the name of the company.
5. Farewell
"You believe your personality is not good enough?" My therapist asked me.
"Well, not the best for sure. My parents have always told me I got a bad personality since I was young and I also agreed."
"So, what do you think a good personality looks like?"
"Well, I think at least they should be more sociable and more likeable. I think I am quite cold blooded sometimes. For example, some people who I was not even that close with and I will not meet again anyways message me and ask how I am doing... I hate those messages. And for example, this Friday, my coworker made a social event and invited me to come. He might think it is also a chance for me to say bye to everyone since I haven't really officially tell the people in my office I am leaving yet.
But I just don't want to go. I hate saying goodbyes. You know, how you need to say: oh I will miss you and this and that but you just know life will go on, they are just saying it? Honestly, I have only been there for 4 months, yea, I contributed to the company but it is only 4 months after all.... What's the point of doing all that? And all those hugging things... It is just so unnecessary..."
"Well, if you don't like saying byes and you have been moving around a lot. How do you usually handle them?"
I sighed and said:"I normally, just, like escape.... my middle school friends, when I left China, they were my family, friends for life, so we did say goodbye but we knew for sure, we will be in each other's life forever. So it wasn't bye.
In highschool, when I transfered from Seattle to Canada, I didn't tell anyone except my one best friend. I just left... And others were surprised these and that. High school graduation was normal because everyone went their own way.
In university, our floor was quite close to each other. When we needed to move out, I remember they were saying bye and I just pretended that I was asleep. In master, I had two very good friends. We went to Cambodia together. I guessed we did say goodbye but it was because they were those type of people and they changed me a lot. We also knew that we will see each other again.
I am quite weird right?"
"Well, I think you are very defensive to me. It seems like if a relation doesn't continue, like you know that person will not be in your life forever, you will just distant yourself." My therapist explained.
"I guess. I think if it was like 2, 3 people, I am better. But I really hate a lot of people, I don't like social events. It was not like I don't feel anything. I do feel the emotion as I leaving. I just don't want to do it."
"If you don't want to go, why do you think you should go?"
"Because I think that is what an adult should do. Isn't it normal that you should go and say bye to your coworkers? huge them and thank them for the help or collaborations that they gave you? That's the social code and like they say in Chinese, it shows if a person knows what good manner is."
"I think you mixed two things here. One is the professional side and another one is the personal attachment. I believed if you only wanted to handle that professionally, with your skills, you could put up a show no problem. I think this goodbye is also about your feelings toward the company, the disappointment with your boss and other things." My therapist said.
"Maybe..." I said in a quiet voice. It is so tiring to talk about these things. I felt like I have already forgotten what we were talking about.
The date of seeing my therapist was Nov. 5th. And I changed my ticket of going back home right after, from Dec. 16th to 7 days after. I know, I am going to escape again, without saying any bye.
About this post:
I don't think is a nice post for people to read because I don't even know where I am going. However, my original purpose for having a blog or start writing was to document my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences and my growth.
This post documents why I decided to leave the company and my mixed feelings before leaving the company.
Anyway, will be back in Vancouver in 6 days. I. Can't. Wait.
About my next step, I have been doing several interviews. Will update if I settle on anything.
-- Nov. 6th 2019. @ Perseu Coffeehouse, São Paulo, Brazil
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