Collection of short writings

1. Break -- Jan. 22 2020

They asked what have I been doing lately?

I said: "nothing.

too tired. Feeling lost.

Just laying on the floor

watching the sky

taking a break."

They sat down beside me and asked which star am I looking at?

I stared far and finally said the one that I probably can't reach. They listened to my bullshit and waited until I wanted to get back on my feet.

I am set for the journey.

Before I left, they said: "just come again when you are tired. I will be here."

2. Bed - March 2nd 2020

I have decided to be a data scientist, but it's just my first step.

I don't want to be the one that uses an algorithm to give business insights, but the one that actually does a Ph.D. in A.I. related field. I want my title to be an engineer.

My therapist Caroline asked me how sure I am about this path.

I said: it feels a lot like coming home,

like sleeping on my own bed. It's a feeling of belonging.

Like you don't need to look elsewhere anymore.

You're here.

3. coffee -- Feb 24th 2020

I accidentally log in to my old Chinese social media account and saw some posts I posted about a year ago when I was doing my exchange to Tsinghua, the first time I got to know the subject: Logic.

I looked at my passionate words and thought, this decision is like the coffee that I made but just forgot to take it when I left the house. You know?

like you brew yourself a coffee in the morning

kept reminding yourself: remember to take your coffee when you go,

but because there was so much stuff going on

you still forget to take it when you left.

4. Bed-time stories - March 10th 2020

Recently, I not only have been learning lots of computer science on my own. I also have been picking up lots of Math, Stats.

I think especially Math.

Not that you need to know math to be a data scientist but I just love it. My favorite is really talking about multidimensions. And I love calculus. It's so beautiful and really intelligent.

Multidimensional stuff reminds me of space. Calculus reminds me of motion. A flashback suddenly appeared on my screen, how my mother was reading me "stories" about the Big Bang, how the universe started, about the stars, about the sun before going to bed.

The way she sat, the way she held the book for some reason was still vivid in my mind. Maybe she had read some other bed-time stories for me as well but I couldn't remember any other than this one.

I remembered how I felt it was so cool and I was showing off my knowledge to other kids the next day back in school. "Did you know how hot the planet was when the big bang happened?"

I was only in the 2nd grade? 3rd grade?

I can still see myself trying to remember those big numbers.

It was cute.

5. The longest day in the Trojan War -- Feb 17th 2020

Sometimes though,

Sometimes these days seem long,

so long,

like the longest day in the Trojan War

It's like a battle I am fighting alone,

and the mist, covered my enemies' faces,

All I could see were shadows

I use my gut to give me direction,

I learn as I fall

I could never know, if I am close to the exit already,

or there's still a long way to go.

The only thing I could do,

is keep going,

just

keep it going.

-- March 10th 2020 @ Richmon Centre, Vancouver